Sex Addiction Disclosure to Children: The Parents’ Perspective

By M. Deborah Corley and Jennifer P. Schneider

Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 2004, in press

Abstract 

This qualitative study investigates factors related to disclosure to children by parents who are self-identified as a sex addict or partner of a sex addict.  Fifty-seven individuals (addicts and  partners) completed an anonymous survey about their experiences disclosing about the  sexual addiction to their children. Data were analyzed using grounded-theory methodology. Emergent themes included circumstances surrounding disclosure, reasons not to disclose, types of information disclosed, perceived responses of the children, changes people would make to disclosures, and special issues surrounding sexual misconduct/offending and sex offender registration.  Preliminary implications are provided for therapists working with families in which sex addiction or offending exists.

Recent research has indicated that disclosure of sexual secrets is one of the most difficult and important therapeutic tasks for sexual addicts and their partners (Schneider, Corley, and Irons, 1998). Involving children in therapy has also been recommended (Corley and Alvarez, 1996), including thoughtful and well planned disclosure to children on an age-appropriate basis (Corley and Schneider, 2002). However, disclosure to children remains one of the least researched areas of treatment of sex addicts or sex offenders.  Discussing sexuality in an open fashion is difficult at best for most parents; it is also reported as even more difficult when the discussion is about sexual addiction or sexual offending behavior (Black, C., Dillon, D., & Carnes, S., 2003; Corley and Schneider, 2002; Longo, R., Brown, S., & Orcutt, D., 2002).  Only recently has research suggested that children want information and frequently know more than parents think they know (Black et al., 2003).

Literature Review

Disclosing to children family secrets of all types is one of the most difficult tasks parents encounter.  Traditionally, the typical solution has been simply to avoid sensitive subjects with children.  Family therapy literature, however, is replete with discussions of the harmful consequences to children of not telling.  For example, Lerner (1993, p.147) wrote, “The negative effects of secrecy on children may stay underground or years, even decades, until the child reaches a key anniversary age or a particular stage in the family life cycle.”  Children may suspect or know the secret that parents believe they are hiding, but they may only be able to  express their discomfort by disruptive behavior.  As Imber-Black described in The Secret Life of Families (1998), a child’s knowledge of a secret may distort the family power dynamics, alienate a child from one or both parents, and isolate him or her from siblings.  Lerner (1993, p. 151) stated, ”In the shadow of secrecy, children are especially vulnerable to acting out or developing symptoms.” (p. 151). In describing families of sex addicts, Earle and Earle (1995, p.118) wrote:

Years ago, Carl Jung (1969, quoted in Black et al., 2003) recommended  disclosure when he wrote:

The most important gift a parent can give a child is to tell them about their dark side.  Telling children about your struggles helps them developmentally to have a realistic picture of what it means to be human. 

Yet precipitous disclosure has its own hazards. The challenge for parents is to consider carefully the context of the disclosure, its contents, timing, who should be present, and how to deal with the emotional responses of the children.

Sex is a difficult subject for parents to discuss with children. It may be harder for an addict to disclose his or her sexual acting out  to the child than to the spouse or partner.  Factors which dissuade parents from disclosure to children include shame, anger, fear of alienating the children, fear that the children might be harmed by the information, and concern that they might tell others. Based on interviews of recovering sex addicts and coaddicts, Schneider and Schneider (1991) recommended age-appropriate disclosure. They wrote:

From speaking with the parents, these authors concluded that children as young as 8 or 10 are likely to be aware of what is going on in the home and deserve some explanation about the nature of the problem and of the meetings that their parents so frequently attend. They wrote, “Evasiveness with children is likely to continue the legacy of secrecy, which promotes addiction.” (p.174)

Corley & Schneider (2002) reported that sometimes a child who uses a parent’s computer finds an Internet pornography file or emails from a sexual “chat” room and is faced with confronting the parent, telling the other parent, or holding on to the secret over time. When adolescents reach puberty, this secret-keeping can turn into intense rage; some teens even threaten to blackmail the addict parent.

Based on  clinical experience and on interviews with older children after involvement in family therapy, Corley and Schneider (2002)  listed what kids don’t  want to know. This includes the specific details of the parent’s acting out, how angry the partner is at the addict, and how good or bad sex is between the parents.

What kids do  want to know depends on their age.  It is not necessary or appropriate to disclose to very young children.  Preschool children (ages 3-5) have often been witness to fighting or have heard addiction discussed and don’t know what is happening. They want to know:  Are you going to die or leave me? Am I in trouble? Do you love me?  They also need guidelines about their genital touching and curiosity about the bodies, a subject about which sex-addicted families often worry.         

Early elementary-school age children want to know: Is the fighting my fault? Will something bad (like divorce) happen? Why do you seem different now from before recovery?

Children ages 9-13 ask:  Am I normal? Will I get this addiction because I have sexual feelings or have masturbated? What will happen to me if you get divorced?

Teen and young adult children want to know: How could you do this to Mom/Dad (the partner of the addict)? To the family? How does this specifically relate to me? (You’ve ruined my life!)

We advised age-appropriate disclosure to children and recommended careful preparation for the disclosure.

In 2003, Black, Dillon, and Carnes published the results of an evidence-based study, based on a survey of 89 adolescent and adult-age children who had experienced disclosure from a sex-addicted parent.  Their findings from the children’s perspective were very similar to what others had reported from interviewing parents. Black’s group found that prior to disclosure, most of the children (60 out of 89) knew  of  their parent’s behavior or suspected it. Although the parents had undoubtedly wanted to protect their children from pain, what really happened was that the children were left holding unwanted secrets, sometimes for years.  Although most of the respondents said that eventually they were glad they were told, many reported feeling angry at the time. Their anger was primarily over having their lives turned upside down. Some became fearful of a parent who they now thought might be a pervert or a child molester. Others tried to take care of their parents emotionally.  Some of the children who had suspected or known about the acting out reported feeling immediate validation, confusion, anger, and mixed messages from their parents.

  Black, et al (2003) suggested four reasons to disclose to children:

1. To validate what the children already know.
2. To explain the situation to them thoughtfully before they find out from others.
3. To break the generational cycle of addiction that is often present in families
4. For the children’s safety, if they are at risk of being exposed to sexual behavior by the addicted parent.

Recently, we designed a qualitative study to gather information related to the experience of parents who disclosed or were trying to make a decision about disclosure to their child(ren) about their sexual addiction or sexual offending behaviors. We also elicited parents’ thoughts on the best timing and content of disclosure, under what circumstances not to tell, what they would change in hind-sight, involvement in family therapy, helpful resources, and the impact of sexual addiction on their child(ren)’s behavior. This article presents the results of that study.

Methods:

Participants

Participants for a focus group to establish questions for final survey were a sample of convenience. They included individuals from a former research project on disclosure who had indicated on a separate form their interest in an in- depth interview. Participants for the larger study were clients of professional members of the National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity (NCSAC),   participants at regional conferences and  12 step support group meetings, and visitors at an Internet web site. Participant criteria included: (a) self identification as a sex addict or partner of sex addict, and (b) biological parent or step parent.

Procedure

Focus group: Several couples were interviewed as potential participants, but had not disclosed to their children for a variety of reasons. Six couples who had disclosed were interviewed signing an informed consent form. Most couples were interviewed separately. Each member of the couple was asked a series of open-ended questions after an initial demographics form was completed. A set of survey questions was generated from the answers and comments shared by the focus group couples. The couples were also asked how to best  solicit the information from other volunteers. The group stated that personal interviews were too time-consuming and suggested written surveys with separate versions for the addict and partner.

Accordingly,  separate surveys were generated for the addict and the partner (see appendix 2 and 3). Cover letters with instructions and associated risks were developed and packets of consent letters, surveys and return envelopes were sent to professional members of NCSAC with a request letter and criteria for involvement in the study. Similar packets were made available at a 12-step recovery conference as well as through a website address. Participants returned completed surveys in preaddressed envelopes with instructions not to put their name on the survey or envelope. Surveys were returned to researchers over a period of one year.

Qualitative analysis

Data were coded and analyzed using the open, axial, and selective coding procedures outlined by Strauss and Corbin (1990) in their grounded-theory method. Conceptual working labels were assigned to themes, which were grouped into higher-order categories representing different domains of experience. Percentages between groups were calculated on demographic information.

Results

The process of obtaining  participants was more difficult for this survey than for any of our previous studies (on cybersex addicts and partners, disclosure between the addict and partner, and recovery from sex addiction).  Many people who were approached for participation reported they had not yet disclosed. People who had not disclosed were also invited to complete the survey and a total of 22 did so.  We were able to obtain 35 surveys describing disclosure for a total of 57 participants.

Demographics

Age and gender:

The disclosure group (61% of all respondents) consisted of 22 self-identified sex addicts (21 males and 1 female, mean age of 51) and 13 partners (all female, mean age 45.5). Of the group who did not disclose (22, or 39% of all respondents) there were 18 addicts (15 men, 3 women, mean age 44) and 4 partners (all female, mean age 39).  Age of addict respondents ranged from 26 to 68 and partner respondents ranged from 33 to 64.  The respondents who disclosed were on average older than those who didn’t.

Sexual Orientation:

Of the disclosing group, all partners and all but one addict reported being heterosexual. Of the non-disclosing group, all 4 partners reported being heterosexual, whereas 22% of addict respondents (4 of 18) reported being bisexual or homosexual, making sexual orientation an important issue in the non-disclosing group.

Marital status:

Of the disclosing group, 29% of the addicts and 25% of partners were divorced or separated. Among the non-disclosing group, 28% of addicts reported being divorced or separated. All the non-disclosing partners were still married. 

Profession:

The respondents were generally a highly educated group. Of the 40 addicts, 14, or 35%, were doctors or lawyers, and most of the others also held highly skilled jobs. Of the disclosure group, only one of the addicts reported being unemployed and he indicated he was a student. Among all the partners, 25% were homemakers; the others were in management, medical professions, artist and writer. Of the non-disclosing group, the professions listed were similar to that of the disclosing group.

Involvement in 12 step groups:

Of the disclosure group, 83% addict respondents (18 of 21) and 66% partner respondents (8 of 12) attended 12 step groups for sexual addiction and coaddiction.  These are support groups modeled after Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon, which are self-help programs for alcoholics and their families.

Number of children in age category:

Several respondents reported that the reason they had not disclosed to their children was  that the children were too young.  The distribution of children’s ages in the disclosing and non-disclosing groups is shown below.  As is evident, a larger percentage of the non-disclosing group than the disclosing group had children under age 16.

Table 1: Number of children

Emerging Themes

Reasons not to disclose

Most  respondents who chose not to disclose, delayed disclosure, or who disclosed with trepidation, did so out of fear – of the partner’s reactions, of the effects on the children, and of the results for the parent-child relationship.

The common emerging themes that prevented parents from disclosing to their children are summarized in Table 2:

Table 2: Respondents’ Reasons Not to Disclose to Children

• Fear of Loss of Relationship with Partner or Child
  
  • Has not disclosed to partner
  • Relationship with partner too fragile
  • Spouse might use information in custody battle
  • Partner has threatened to leave if disclosure to child occurs
• Fear of hurting child
  
  • The children are too young 
  • How the child views his/her own sexuality
  • Likelihood of child’s acting out
• Fear of children’s negative response to parent
  
  • Loss of respect or love for, or trust in a  parent
  • Anger at parent
  • Child’s shame about parent’s homosexuality
• Parent doesn’t feel ready
  
  • Needs to first resolve own anger, pain, reactivity
  • Wants to wait until longer in recovery
  • Wants to wait until has more certainty about the  marital relationship

Here are some quotations reflecting concerns about the partner’s reactions:

A physician who has had affairs, used pornography with compulsive masturbation, and has now been attending daily 12-step meetings for sex addicts (S meetings) for 3 months, wrote"

Other responses reflect fears that the child will respond negatively to the parent. Several respondents spoke of their shame about their behavior (especially if the acting out was same-sex), and their fears that their children would no longer love or respect them. One divorced addict, a female dentist, in recovery for one year after a series of multiple affairs, had a 12-year old child.  She wrote she doesn’t plan to disclose to her daughter because, “Her father said horrible things about me. It has taken her a long time to trust me.”

Another addict, whose sexual acting out was with other men, related:

Another addict, in recovery for 6 months, explained:

According to one spouse of a sex addict:

Other respondents expressed concerns about the effect on the  child’s development:

Before disclosure, our greatest concern was the negative impact on the girls and how it might affect their views on their own sexuality.

Still other responses implied that the parent was not ready yet. For example, an addict with 3 months’ recovery wrote:

In some cases the family situation was so complex that extensive professional intervention will undoubtedly be necessary for resolution. A young married woman in recovery for 2 years, explained:

For some addicts who had been in recovery for years and had still not disclosed, their responses suggested that they needed to take more seriously  the “rigorous honesty” recommended in 12-step recovery, and become more accountable. For example, an attorney who reported a dozen years in recovery programs for sex and alcohol addictions, but with recurrent relapses, reported:

Some addicts reported not disclosing on the basis of protecting their family: A married attorney with young children, in recovery for over one year, had formerly had casual sexual encounters with many women but hasn’t disclosed to his wife. He wrote:

Circumstances of disclosure to children

Some disclosures to children are forced by circumstances, and the parents have very little time to reflect on their fears or concerns.  But when disclosure is a choice, the positive reasons for doing so include validating what the child already knows, disclosing before others tell, hope of breaking the cycle of addiction, and for the child’s safety (Black et al, 2003). Respondents reported a variety of circumstances of disclosure to their children, ranging from forced disclosure (because of arrest, threats by others to reveal, or insistence by the partner), to a well-planned event in a therapeutic environment. 

Table 3 summarizes the themes emerging around disclosing to children.

Table 3: Circumstances of disclosure to children

• Impulsive disclosure
• Forced disclosure
• Planned disclosure
  
  • One or both parents involved
  • With therapist or encouraged by therapist
  • Limited, age appropriate information shared

Impulsive, unplanned disclosure out of anger

A recovering sex addict recalled:

A 39-year old married woman, mother of 3 pre-teen children, has been attending a 12-step program for spouses of sex addicts for some months.  She wrote:

This case is an unfortunate example of an extremely inappropriate, damaging disclosure for any child to witness. The motivation for the disclosure was admittedly one of contempt for the addict and served no purpose in helping the children to understand why the parents were fighting or separating.

Forced disclosure

A 52 year old married woman, in recovery for many years (but who had never been involved in a 12-step group) , did not choose to disclose to her children, but was “outed” by someone else:

Below is an example of a forced disclosure by the partner alone, precipitated by the addict’s arrest, which occurred immediately after the partner herself first learned of the behavior, and in the absence of any information about the disorder.

The father, who also responded to the survey, added that the children were “angry and upset at the loss of not having Dad around home.”

Planned disclosure by one or both parents

Below is an example of a disclosure done very early, and by the partner alone, without the addict’s participation or presence. She disclosed to both children, but spoke to each one in age-appropriate terms. 

A middle-aged divorced man disclosed alone to his children a dozen years ago, when they were 14, 11, and 7 years old.

A recovering addict, now separated from his wife, wrote:

A 38-year old divorced male, in recovery from sex addiction for over 2 years, recalled:

Below is an example of a planned early disclosure which included all family members. Limited information was given, and since the children were all teens, they were given the same information at the same time.

An addict, still married, in recovery over 4 years, described how he and his wife planned a disclosure to their two older children.

This was an example of a well-planned and executed disclosure, with follow-ups and plans for disclosing to the youngest child.

Disclosure in a planned session (with therapist present or encouraged by therapist)

A  physician who is now separated from his wife, recalled:

A spouse, not involved in recovery work, but “working things out” in her marriage, wrote:

Another health professional recalled events of about 6 years ago:

The health professional’s wife recalled those times:

Parents’ description of children’s reactions to disclosure

Most children’s initial reactions to disclosure of a parent’s sexual acting out was perceived as negative.  Table 4 summarizes the types of reactions described by respondents:

Table 4: Children’s reactions to the disclosure

• Shock, disbelief
• Fear and sadness
  
  • Worried that parents would divorce or separate
  • Wondered what would happen to them if divorce happened
  • Were tearful
• Expressed Anger
  
  • Supporting the partner by being mad at addict
  • Angry about impact on their (the child’s) life
  • Some acted out in dangerous or addictive ways
• Validation of their suspicions or knowledge 
• Some appeared to understand, but in fact blocked out the information and months or years later were surprised when told again
• Some tried to cheer everyone else up or comfort one or both parents.
• Some praised the addict for getting help, supported the partner in her actions.

Below  the mother of older children described the aftermath of a disclosure that was forced by a young adult’s suspicions. It resulted in the entire family getting into treatment. Premature disclosure by the addict led to additional traumatic events, but eventually the family adjusted.

Another example of problematic behavior stimulated by the disclosure:

A married 53 year old male has been in recovery from sex addiction for two years. He wrote:

A 55-year -year old physician, whose acting out had included internet pornography and prostitution,  disclosed to his 3 children, ages 10-19 years old,  a short time after disclosure to his wife, who then asked him to leave. The disclosure took place in the home, with all family members present.

He recommends disclosure “as soon as a problem is evident. That means if there is time away from the family for meetings or therapy, or if separation makes it apparent that something unusual is happening.”

His wife wrote:

According to a 50 year old man who had been addicted to prostitutes and pornographic materials, but was actively working a recovery program for over a year, the initial disclosure to the children was done in anger by the spouse alone. He reported both children had a very negative response. However, the continued disclosure by the addict and his evident progress in recovery changed the children’s perception of him.

Asked how he would have managed the disclosure differently, this man replied:

A man who had a history of anonymous sex with multiple male partners did a full but appropriate disclosure (all the main elements of the behavior, but no “gory details”) to his two children aged 21 and 18 during a family session at an inpatient facility. He wrote:

 A physician who was sent to inpatient treatment because of sexual misconduct involving voyeurism with patients, disclosed during family session with his wife and 14 year old daughter present. He reported:

Changes respondents would make to their disclosures

Most respondents who described planned disclosures were satisfied with the process. They had invested time and energy in advance, and had thought through what they would say.  For example, the partner of a man who had affairs, and who participated in a planned disclosure of very limited information, with both parents present, said she wouldn’t change anything. “I think they are all grateful to have not had too much information.”

Respondents whose disclosure was coerced by others or by circumstances, or who themselves disclosed out of anger, wished they could have done it differently. For example, the attorney who was coerced into immediate disclosure to his daughters wished he could have waited until he was more aware of the consequences of his behavior.

The woman addict whose step-children were initially told by their mother when they were very young, wrote:

A partner who told her children only one month after she learned of the acting out wrote:

The mother of two teenagers who were told by one parent each, on separate occasions, said she would have insisted on both parents being present at each disclosure. A wife who was forced to disclose following a separation said:

In one family, the daughter’s suspicions precipitated immediate disclosure to her, followed by separate disclosure to two sons. The mother wrote:

Would parents recommend disclosure

All of the addicts who disclosed to their children recommended telling. A 48 year old man in recovery, whose addiction had involved anonymous sexual encounters and whose children are all now in their 20’s, wrote:

He thinks the disclosure was done under “ideal” circumstances and wouldn’t have done it differently. He does recommend telling children, because: 

Other comments by addicts who recommended disclosure but with reservations, included,   “Be careful of how much detail you get into.”  “I recommend disclosure in intact families – in step-relationships, it depends.”  “Absolutely, but information would depend on age.”  “I would disclose, but don’t go into detail about what you did.”  “Only after participating in counseling, rehab, and 12-steps, so I could be more emotionally stronger to deal with the situation. Unconditional honesty is demanded to live in recovery, but many circumstances must be weighed before disclosure.”

Among the 7 partners who participated in disclosure to their children, 5 favored disclosure unconditionally, while the 2 others had conditions. These were that the children be old enough (perhaps 15 or more) and that the addict be willing to do recovery work. One of those who recommended disclosure and explained why wrote:

Another woman said:

According to another partner:

A woman whose children were adults at the time of disclosure wrote:

When to disclose

A study on the timing of disclosure of secrets by sex addicts to their partners (Schneider, Corley, and Irons, R.R. [1998]) concluded that disclosure has the best outcome when it is done early, but after the extent of the information to be given and the circumstances of disclosure are planned. In the current study, when parents were asked about the best time to disclose to their children, they were generally in agreement with this view. Some of their comments are below.

A convicted sex offender wrote:

This from a partner:

Another partner:

An addict who found help through religion suggested:

Several themes emerged in parents’ perspective on the best time to disclose to the children.  These are listed in the table below:

Table 5: Parents’ Recommendations Regarding Timing of Disclosure to Children

1. Children’s factors:
   
   • When the children are old enough – mid-teens or older was a typical age.
   • When the parents can answer the question, “Are you getting a divorce?”
   • Immediately, since children probably suspect something anyway.
   • When there is likelihood of children learning about the behavior from other sources, tell them immediately.
2. Addict factors:
   
   • Soon after recovery has begun, in some cases that means as soon as the addict ends his/her denial and accepts responsibility.
   • When the addict can convey hope.
   • After some time in recovery, so that the addict is less likely to reveal too much or too little.
   • After some time in recovery, so that the addict can demonstrate (s)he has changed and is  living a sober lifestyle.
3. Partner factors
   
   • When the partner is having difficulty being an effective parent: the children then need an explanation.
   • When the partner can convey hope.
   • Early on, but after the partner’s initial shock and rage have lessened.

Although the recommendations of different respondents vary, the themes running through Table 5 are that disclosure should be age-appropriate, that it’s important for children to learn about the sexual behaviors from the parents before they are told by other sources, and that disclosure should take place when the parents can be calm, can assure the children about their own future, and when the parents can convey hope that they are working on a positive resolution to the problems. 

The same recommendations were echoed by respondents when asked about when and how not to disclose. They advised addicts not to just dump all the information on the child, but rather to be selective about the content of the disclosure depending on the child’s age and maturity and the nature of the behavior. They also advised against disclosure while still in denial about the severity of the problem. Otherwise, the disclosing person would be likely to minimize the problem and falsely reassure the child, who would subsequently have difficulty trusting the parent when more information emerges. Based on sad experience, respondents also advised partners not to disclose out of shock, anger, or desire for revenge. In such situations, the children often feel pitted by one parent against the other, and become torn about their loyalty to both parents.

Disclosure of relapse

Relapse is a well-recognized feature of addictive disorders. Accodingly, it is desirable for parents to plan for disclosures in the event of a relapse.  Couples need to decide for themselves under what circumstances, and how much, the addict will disclose a relapse to the spouse, and also under what circumstances, and what, the children should be told.  Children benefit from stability in the home; unless they will be directly affected, it’s a good idea to leave them out of the couple’s distress over slips and relapses.

Below are the experiences of some respondents with this issue.  A dentist with several years’ recovery from sex addiction explained:

A 50-year old man, now separated from his wife, was for many years addicted to compulsive masturbation and pornography. Within 30 days of first learning about the problem, his wife disclosed his behavior to their 13-year old daughter.

The child in this family was adversely influenced more by the family dysfunction than by the disclosure of the father’s recurrent sexually addictive behaviors.

Special issues for sex offenders

When a person engages in illegal sexual behaviors, the entire family may face added consequences of the behavior, such as unwanted publicity, added shame, removal of the offender from the home (sometimes for years of incarceration), loss of income, and listing on a sex-offender registry.   The parents cannot protect the children from learning about the crime, but they can mitigate the damage to the children by immediate disclosure in an age-appropriate way and that emphasizes the ongoing relationship with both parents.  This is not an easy task, as it requires the cooperation of both parents. Below are descriptions of several families who dealt with their situation in a positive way. The wife of an incarcerated sex offender wrote:

A married attorney who was arrested for involvement with child pornography on the Internet (one of his several acting-out behaviors), recalled after several years in recovery:

At age 27, a junior high-school teacher, father of 3 daughters, was sent to prison for 12 years for having a sexual relationship with a 14-year old student. Years later, back at home, and working as an award-winning nature writer, he wrote:

After this teacher went to prison, his wife moved herself and their three small children into a rent-free converted two-car garage, went on welfare for several years while she obtained a college and graduate education,  and focused on bringing up her children as normally as possible.  Every week for many years, she brought the children to visit their father in prison.  At one point, he was released on probation for a year and returned to the home, but a court decision sent him back to prison to serve the remainder of his term (not due to re-offending but to the victim’s family’s request). Fifteen years later the family is reunited.  She wrote:

The daughter who was born around the time her father began his prison term, now a talented published poet at age 15, wrote:

In reply to a question about what has been most helpful to the addict and the children, the attorney who went to prison for involvement with child pornography on the Internet wrote:

Discussion

The study is subject to the limits of qualitative research in general, including a small sample size. The findings are not meant to generalize to all cases of sex addiction or infidelity in couples, but rather to generate hypotheses about the process and stimulate further research and discussion about the best ways to help families through these types of crises.

It is important to note that this study is of parents’ perception. Because of the limitations of conducting any research with minors about sexuality, retrospective experiences by older children and parents remain the primary avenues to explore these issues in order to assist families to create a healthy process for healing and educating their children. In this study, all of the addicts and most of the partners of the disclosing group recommended disclosure to children both because the children had a right to know why there were signs of disruption in the family and because of their desire for their own continued recovery based on honesty. Some also commented about wanting to stop the cycle of addictive behaviors in their families. Most reported that they would not have changed anything about the disclosure. Because the sample was one of convenience and was generated from therapist and 12-step recovery-oriented activities, most respondents were involved in 12-step recovery activities and disclosures had been encouraged or facilitated by therapists.

Despite many positive comments about the eventual outcome of the disclosure, most children, like most partners, had a negative reaction to the information at the time of disclosure. When efforts were made to continue dialogue and to discuss lots of topics, the outcome was reported as mostly positive.

However, it is important to note that in some cases children were extremely upset to the point of self harm. In one example the parent reported that an older child left home and has not reunited with the family after some years. It is unlikely in any family that a single disclosure would stimulate a family cut-off but disclosure may be the catalyst for someone to take action when they have been very unhappy or unsettled for some time. As a whole the sample was highly educated and had professional careers. One could speculate that they had more access to treatment and therapy, thereby providing a level of support for actual disclosure. Older participants also tended to disclose more than younger participants.

As reflected in the age differences of the children of the non-disclosing group versus the disclosing group, age was clearly a reason for not disclosing. Over 50% of the non-disclosing group’s children were aged 10 or younger, while only 30% of the disclosing group had children that young. Several of the disclosing group began the discussion with their younger children differently than with their older children:  the disclosure was more about the addict admitting to not being present for important events or letting the child know that the parents were working on learning how to be better parents, rather than anything about sex addiction specifically or even addiction in general. However, most disclosers reported  planning to disclose more as the children matured.

In many cases the children already suspected something or actually knew about the sexually addictive behaviors. The disclosure was a validation of their suspicions. This was especially true for addicts whose primary mode of acting out was on the Internet. This information supports the research by Black and her colleagues (2003) and our clinical experiences.

In the non-disclosing group, almost one quarter of the group identified as being gay or bisexual. Given the level of homophobia that exists in the general population, the mislabeling of same-sex experiences of sex addicts as sex offending behaviors by some of the public and uninformed professionals, and the internalized homophobia experienced by many gay or bisexual individuals during the “coming out” phase (Longo et al, 2002; Ross & Kauth, 2002),  it is reasonable to hypothesize that orientation would make disclosure even more difficult.

Several participants hesitated to disclose to a child that they were gay or bisexual for fear that the child would think of them as a “pervert” or that the child could not understand. 

The process of disclosure itself usually generated some response by the child. This ranged from shock, anger and fear to calm, dissociated, and accepting. In our earlier work, we found a similar response by adult partners when they are first disclosed to (Corley & Schneider, 2002). It is not surprising that some children who already wanted to take on a parental role in the family would either align with the partner against the addict and try to comfort the parent rather than seek comfort themselves or try to smooth things over so that no further disruption happens in the family.

Although some impulsive or forced disclosures eventually had a good outcome, they were more likely to cause ongoing difficulties for the parent-child relationship than when the disclosure was planned. When one parent, or another adult, disclosed out of anger or pain rather than to help the children, the likelihood of a negative outcome was increased. A guiding principle of disclosure should be to do what is in the child’s best interest, not to meet the needs of the adult.

The responses from those families of sex offenders -- and the process of disclosure over time that these families reported -- were representative of well planned and sensitive disclosures. They also were descriptive of how the criminal justice system may care about one type of victim but simultaneously victimize children of offenders. Further research is warranted about the impact of incarceration on children of offenders incarcerated and then released under the sex offender registry regulations.

Summary

Over 50% of the non-disclosing group had children aged 10 or younger compared to only 30% of the disclosing group. The average age of non-disclosing group was also younger. This suggests that younger people are less likely to disclose, perhaps because of a shorter time in recovery combined with a younger age of children. Sexual orientation was also significantly different in the non-disclosing group compared to the disclosing group with almost a quarter of the non-disclosing group identifying themselves as bisexual or gay.

Themes generated from the respondents of the non-disclosing group about why they did not respond clustered around fear. These included fear of loss of relationship with the partner or child, fear of hurting the child especially if the child was young, fear of  the child’s negative reaction to the parent, and not feeling prepared or far enough along in recovery to undertake this disclosure.

Themes generated from respondents of the disclosing group clustered around unplanned impulsive disclosures done in anger, forced disclosures, planned disclosures with one or both parents, (with and without therapists), and special needs of families of the sex offender. Unplanned and forced disclosures resulted in very upset children and were often done out of anger and retaliation against the addict or in some cases because someone else was going to disclose or had already done so and the disclosures were part of  “damage control” of  sorts. Planned disclosures were well thought out, children’s age and maturity was considered when determining how much information to share, and the focus was on accountability rather than details of sexual addiction. It is noteworthy that few people talked about sex addiction per se, but more about how the addict had hurt the family, had remorse for his or her actions,  and planned  to change through recovery.

Some respondents reported that the child already knew something of what had gone on. All of the addicts and most of the partners of the disclosing group were pleased with the disclosure and would recommend disclosure to children despite the wide range of negative emotional responses from the children at the initial disclosure. Their recommendations included giving general rather than specific information in an age-appropriate way. Most were glad to have had the help of a therapist and a recovery support system.

Implications for Therapists

Disclosing to children is clearly a process, not a one-time event. As the children get older, they need to be given more information.  The stories also show very different outcomes. The way disclosure is done can have a big impact on the children’s eventual feelings about the parents.

The circumstances of the disclosure are determined in some cases by the need for immediate action (if others know about the addiction or if there was an arrest), by the number and ages of the children, and by the presence or absence of both parents in the home.  When there is the opportunity for some planning, the disclosure works best if both parents are in favor of it, have decided in advance what to tell and what not to tell, and are both present. As with disclosure to the partner, it is best for the addict to speak in generalities and avoid details. We also recommend that each parent speak about their own experience and feelings, not blame the other parent, and reassure the children that they are loved and that whatever happened is not their fault. How much information to reveal depends on the child’s age and maturity. When there are several children, whether to speak to them individually or together depends in part on their ages.

The book Disclosing Secrets: When, to Whom, & How Much to Reveal  (Corley and Schneider, 2002)  devotes one chapter to the nuts and bolts of how and when to tell the kids.  In it, we suggest that small children do not need an explanation about addiction. An apology for not being around is appropriate, but mostly they need good parenting. Because there is some evidence of genetic predisposition for addiction, discussing addiction with older children is appropriate, and disclosure is one way to do this. 

As we wrote in Disclosing Secrets, disclosure to children is not just a matter of having one little talk and it’s over.  Rather, it becomes an ongoing process requiring many discussions. Encourage the couple to think through what values they want to guide themselves and their family. Ask them to consider  what they will do if they find their daughter on the Internet chatting with some guy several years older than she and they find out it’s she who is trying to talk him into meeting for sex. Or if they find their 12-year old son downloading pornography or the Internet,  or find a copy of Penthouse or hard core sexual material under his mattress.

Disclosure is but the first of many opportunities to talk about sexual health, healthy relationships, and developing into a responsible, authentic person.  Two excellent resources by Debra Haffner on talking with children about healthy sexuality are From Diapers to Dating and Beyond the Big Talk.  Remind the couple that their job is to “keep coming back,”  offering to talk, and listening. If they have integrity about what they say and do with their children, they can survive almost anything. 

Finally, remember that disclosure is a process, so parents should be prepared to discuss healthy sexuality as well as addiction or co-addiction and recovery repeatedly as time goes by.

References

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This research was supported in part by a grant from the American Foundation for Addiction Research.  We want to acknowledge the assistance of Linda Hudson, MA, LPC, President of Creative Integrations, for her assistance in obtaining the grant and recruiting subjects for this research.